I get fucking lonely sometimes. I’m a bit of a homebody and tend to only go out and about one or two weekdays each week, but on the weekends, when Silas is at his dad’s, I like to be social. I like going out for drinks or having people over or going out for the occasional meal with friends. The problem is, no matter how hard I try, I don’t seem to have many friends.
We have one couple we hang out with regularly (2 or 3 times a month) and we’ve known them for almost 4 years. They’re great and we have a lot of fun, but lately the female half of the couple has kind of drifted away a bit. She became friends with a few new people this year who happen to be obnoxious racist fucks. They’ve been nothing to nice to me, which makes it harder to dislike them… to a point. It doesn’t change the fact that they are loudly ignorant and seem to be completely oblivious to how offensive most of the things they say are. I feel like she’s slipping away sometimes and it hurts. We hang out less than we used to. She still invites me out, but when I’ve gone and these people have been part of the equation, I’ve had trouble having fun and usually ended up going home several hours before everyone else does.
Things seemed to be going well on the in-person friend front for a good while… I made a very near and dear friend in a fellow unschooling mom. We went through a lot in a short amount of time and it bonded us VERY quickly and closely. Silas was also good friends with her 3 sons. They moved away 4 months ago and it has left a gaping hole for both Silas and I. We’ve tried to fill it with other social attachments, but nothing has felt as deep or as effortless as our time with their family did.
Last summer I got to be bosom buddies with Kitty, who is a phenomenal human being, but she was just home from college. She does not live here anymore. She came home again for a month during winter break and it was amazing to hang out with her and Amber during that time. It was brief, but lovely. How enjoyable it was just reminded me of how I’ve always wanted a group of amazing friends surrounding me. I want the group dynamic. I want the network. I want my friends to be friends with each other.
The friends I have are amazing, but so few of them are here, right in front of me, living down the road. No matter how hard I try to make this happen, I can’t force it. I’m frustrated. Super super frustrated.
